So, to top off a less then stellar financial year for me, the medical bill collector called this happy holiday weekend.
First of all, let me set up my disclaimer. I created this bill, I owe it, I had a faulty gall bladder that Dr. Cutie had to remove. I’m still not sure what created the faulty-ism and death of my gall bladder thing-y… but just like OJ …. I’m still looking for it’s killer… on the golf course… or in my case at the nearest winery. That said, here is how I think my next conversation is going to go with “Jane” (fictional character and has no relation to the actual Jane that called me).
Automated Message: This is a message for JEN*nifer (mispronounced middle name) (mispronouced auto-tuned last name).
ME: silent
A.M.: If you are JEN*nifer please hit #1
Me: pressed 2
A.M. I’m sorry, that is not an option. If you are JEN*nifer please hit #1
Me: #1
A.M.: We are calling about your late payment in the amount of $7 ….MILL..ion dollars and ……. 43 cents. This amount is past due. If you would like to make a payment please press….
Me: pressing 7
A.M.: I’m sorry, that is not an option. Please listen to the menu … if you would like english press 1, spanish, spanish, spanish, press numero dos
Me: … tempted …. pressing 1
A.M.: Transfering to the next representative
(listening to Barry Manilow …. at the copa …. copa cabana …….)
Jane: Hi, this is Jane, how can I assist you?
Me: I don’t know Jane you called me
Jane: oh, regarding?????
Me: regarding???? YOU called ME
Jane: What is your account number
Me: Account number
Jane: Would you like to make a payment today? I’d be happy to make that for you.
Me: No Jane, we are going to have to work out something.
Jane: So you would like to set up a payment plan?
Me: Well, we COULD try that ….. but I was thinking more of a reverse surgery plan.
Jane: …… I’m sorry what?
Me: A reverse surgery. I’ll have to schedule a time for you to put my gall bladder back. I can’t pay for you having to take it out.
Jane: ummmm….. I’m … I don’t think we can do that?
Me: Well… thing is I don’t remember signing any “final sale/no exchanges” type policy. Do you have a refund policy for faulty gall bladders and if someone’s not happy, they can come back and get it re-installed?
Jane: I’m not aware of any situation …
Me: GOOD! Then we’ll have to work on a schedule for me to have you guys put it back. Once everything is reconnected, you won’t have that faulty gall bladder lying around and then I won’t feel bad that I’m never going to be able to pay you.
Jane: I… I…
Me: Do you need to get your supervisor on this one Jane? Cuz, I’d really like to get this scheduled and taken care of. I’m available after the first of the year. Does that work for you and Dr. Cutie?
Somehow, I’m thinking this isn’t going to fly in the real world ….. but it’s fun to think of it for “Jennifer’s Review” world….
Cheers to payment plans!
Jennifer
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Ooh, nice one. I’ve actually asked bill collectors if they wanted my blood before, because that was all I had. Boy, does THAT make them uncomfortable.
That was a great post on the horror of medical billing. I hope the next time they call that you offer them a pound of flesh in settlement, like in the Saw movie series. Just send them a fed-exed steak that looks mutilated and they’ll either leave you alone or prepare a white jacket for you with fancy restraints.
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Redhawk …. tempting … fancy restraints huh – what kindof shoes come with that?!
Jennifer — I like the blood thing, that’s commitment!
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I say you try it and then record the response….I wish more people did this then what would they do